My creative process has many different facets.
Inspiration and opportunity usually present themselves while I’m in the middle of a distraction (i.e. driving, riding the subway, taking a shower, etc.). Personally, I always (without fail) hit a part in my creative process where I not only start to second guess EVERYTHING, but I begin a downward spiral in which I HATE every single aspect of myself as an artist, as a dancer, and even simply as a human being. It isn’t a pretty cycle, but it is how I work.
To say that dance is an emotional topic of mine would be the understatement of the century. Feel free to ask every dancer I’ve ever worked with. I’ve probably cried openly in front of them at least once during the creative process.
Definition (in this scenario): “Creative Process” – the time spanning from the initial conception of a piece of work through rehearsals and ultimately ending with the performance.
I become incredibly emotionally attached to my choreography as it is an extension of me. Therefore, when I am experience a bout of choreographer’s block, I become overtly emotional and (in essence) devastated that I can’t come up with anything new. My inspiration for writing this article is a direct result of a current case of choreographer’s block.
I have two choreographic opportunities coming up. I start rehearsals this coming week for one, and have begun preparing for another which will start in October. Yet at this point in time, I feel as if I can’t do anything with dance.
My sense of defeat initiated, I then spiral out of control to a point where I begin to question my career as a choreographer. I then move further and start to try to convince myself that I should stop dancing all together. Then I hate myself for thinking that, but continue down the same dark path.
This absurd stream of consciousness usually results in me watching videos of my past pieces of work or (if I want to make myself feel even worse about my predicament) YouTube videos of routines from So You Think You Can Dance.
I honestly can’t explain why I hit such a low point during my creative process. Back in college, I was blessed with the opportunity to choreograph two years in a row for our Experimental Dance show. Both years during the two weeks of tech rehearsals, I would get home after a long night in the theater and begin to bawl hysterically. My tears would be a release of my frustrations from comparing my work to the other choreographers, nitpicking my own work, and exacerbating whatever minor flaws were present in the evening’s run through.
I think this current case of choreographer’s block and subsequent “self hatred” kick I’m in is a result that I haven’t physically danced in a while. I mean I’ve played around in my kitchen almost every day, but that doesn’t compare to being in an actual studio with a mirror present. I know I need to take a class, to kick start my creative juices, but I just haven’t been able to yet.
To be completely honest, I assumed that when I finished this article, I would want to continue my YouTube marathon and go through half a box of tissues. Yet, I feel more empowered than ever, now that I have been able to share my struggles with you (the interwebs).
I’ll just be incredibly pretentious and hipster-like and say that my choreography is “like a Phoenix.” In that it needs to crash and burn and then rise from the ashes. So basically, hitting rock bottom is a good thing. I think…
– Michael
Choreographer In The Cubicle 